Ropes Course

Yikes... What a FUN day! I wasn't sure what to expect. I was just showing up and trusting that it was going to be a good experience with a great group of people. I was right. I feel like a stronger Maddie. A more at peace Me. A more authentic Me. I've let go of indecision, indifference, fear, and needing the approval of others, for living a deliberate, authentic life. Solidly living my purpose, which is to be a lighthouse for those around me-which I felt was an arrogant statement for a long time, and have had to repent for such feelings as Heavenly Father himself has titled me with this talent and title. He loves me so much.... And the more I come to know him, and love him... loving others comes so much more naturally. Knowing I'm a daughter of God, and feeling that within my heart and spirit, I more readily see that in others hearts and spirits. I see the good in them. And when they're anything but, I know it's just the way their negative beliefs are surfacing at the time. This perspective has changed me. It's given me the permission to let go that everyone is offended by me, or felt a certain way because of something I said, did, or didn't say, do. Powerful.

I'm wrapped up in God's love, and supported by a beautiful family and warm friends. My circle of friends is growing generously, and solidly. They will be in my life forever! And I truly do love them! I'm realizing how small doTERRA is in all of this... And what my real dreams are. They're forming. They're coagulating together the more I come to know myself and my God.

I'll write more on my favorite part of Ropes in a bit. Computer is about to die!

Chuggin Along!

Last week in Power 90 we were instructed to get a support team together. I chose Bonnie, Summar, Ginger, Maureen, and my buddy Steve. I'm really excited about having them on my team and relying on them when things get rough. Additionally, Natalie is my MENTOR!!!! Wow, who better? She's currently a Diamond in the company and can help me reach my goal efficiently and smoothly.  I literally only have time to write this little bit. Write more later.

The Power to Choose is Mine

I am on a deliberate journey. I used to live in this shell, and would just wait for the rain for to fall so that when it did, and landed on my shell and not me, I could feel like I had some control over the bad things in life. I prepared for them, focused on them, as a method of perceived damage control. I didn't realize that what you focus on truly grows. I was creating my own havoc; my own misery. The most depressing part about living this kind of life, was that I was actually okay with things. Not in a healthy "find happiness amid crap" kind of way; rather an "ignorance is bliss" kind of way. I had no idea that my dreamless, sedentary mind, body, and spirit were collectively on a downward spiral. I was feeding neither of them properly. Sure, I went to church, I even had a testimony and taught Gospel Doctrine well; had a relationship with my Savior for the most part. Sure, I exercised and kept my fast food and fatty foods to a minimum. I fed my mind zero. Keeping up with the Kardashians and Vampire Diaries was the extent of what my brain was eating. I was living a bare minimum life, expecting a luxurious ending through my husband and his schooling. I had the kids, and selfishly, thought that was my part of this all. How great a thing to have children, but how little a purpose that left for the rest of me. I teach Hallie she can do anything, and that I wanted her to have dreams, and realized that I had no idea how to dream. Practicality was the name of the game, and anything above that was unsafe, foolish, and an inevitable demise. All this... Until July 22, 2013.

I attended a Power of Choice seminar at the request of my colleague in doTERRA, Ginger Lancaster. Colby and I attended with complete trust, and with an open mind and heart. Our results were huge. HUGE!!! Colby was preparing to go on a study abroad to Amman, Jordan for four months leaving me and the children at home. This had to be done in order for him to graduate. It had to. I knew the storm was coming and had no way to prepare for it. I didn't know how to make a shell that big!!! Power of Choice taught me tools to handle such things. I could choose to be miserable with the things i could not change, or love them. And if i can't love them, which I certainly did not, then accept them. Colby being gone was the cruelest time. It was difficult. But it was EMPOWERING!! I had DONE it!!! Not only that, but I raised 3500 dollars to go SEE him in Jordan and Israel!! I flew all by myself to another COUNTRY!! It was when we landed back home with our kids that I realized

I AM A LION OF A MOTHER, AND I CAN DO HARD THINGS!!

This was so monumental to me at the time and now. The trip to the Middle East changed my entire course of action. Going through POC the first time last July taught me when I removed my need to be in control and all the fear that came with that, that I wanted exactly what Colby's dreams had been all along; to travel and help people. Travel, and actually make a difference in people's lives. The critic in me immediately just piped up with, "how arrogant. you're so much better than everyone else and think that they need YOU?" yes, critic, they do. Turns out i'm a D.O.G. who can B.A.R.K.

I am a Daughter of God: Bold, Authentic, Radiant, and Kind.

I am literally inherently blessed with all I need to be successful, to be authentically loving to people around me, to be "a light to those in the dark" as God expressly told me. A city on a hill cannot be hid afterall. God is so good. As soon as i discovered all of this, and committed to making my now dreams a reality, God began to move as well. Putting people on my path that I will be with for life, and providing means for me to share essential oils when I otherwise would not have the opportunity.

I. Can. Choose.

And I choose to be helpful, kind, supportive, and successful. I choose to help my family eliminate debt, retirement plans, college funds, and fun! To provide a more financially free life with time freedom!!! Once my family's needs are met, I desire to create an organization for mothers and children in the Middle East... such kind, helpless refugee's... with nowhere to go... nothing to eat, and holy clothes to wear when it's so cold out... My heart has expanded for the Arabs... i fought Colby so hard because of fear... And love is SO much more powerful!!!! It is so much more compelling, propelling, and simply powerful! My faith has increased, my testimony is on solid ground, my mind is being sharpened with daily tools of reading, studying, and my body is being strengthened through oils, exercise, and God himself. My spirit...is being edified daily. My demeanor is more positive and I persevere instead of quit. My heart is full. My heart is growing like the waves of the sea.

And now I'm onto Power 90. Conquering a huge 90 day goal. Wish me luck, though i won't need it because I have everything I need to do this. I just have to see what's already within me, and use it with a little imagination.

I am the Creator and Conqueror of all my Conquests.

She's Just Going Through a Phase

A new baby's coming, so, naturally, she's going to paint on her floor, spill everything she can, throw expensive products down the toilet, backtalk, hate me. I tell myself she's just adjusting. Truth is, she's just being a kid. What's my excuse? I'm the one not adapting, and terrified at being a new mother again. I let myself feel alone, but in all actuality am alone most of the time. That's all.

Corner Post

There are things you cannot achieve, cannot learn, cannot fathom until you're pushed into a corner to do so and stripped of everything you believe constitutes you. I find this annoying, mostly because I can only learn these things by suppressing how to instinctively feel: bitter, angry, jealous, harrowed, and all other ugly attributes. Asking me not to feel these things is asking me not to feel anything. As if pushing, bypassing these feelings makes room for happy feelings. It doesn't. It leaves me numb, and feeling nothing. Training myself to feel nothing when the alternative is to feel ugly. "Teach yourself to feel the good feelings when someone slaps you". I realize Jesus can do this; I cannot. Moreover, I resent being asked to if i'm being honest. I keep blaming my life. Life. This in-adamant creature who torments me because he gets a thrill out of it. I know better than to blame God, so I make up another unstoppable force to lay all my blame on. I take none of it for myself because I feel I have no control over everything that keeps slaughtering  me. This "attitude" will sabotage my relationships, deteriorate my hope, and dissipate any faith I may have gathered. Knowing this, grasping this, I still cannot let it go that easily. Nobody cares because nobody feels, or see's. They have their own, of which I do not know or see. So cruel. So empty, and void of all empathy. Quiet, and lonely. These are my feelings, and things I can't ignore.

All I see in a lollipop is diabetes.

Joy to You, Baby

Two days until the end of the world. I've got 48 hours left. I feel like Keifer Sutherland all of a sudden. Were the world to truly end in two days, would you be relieved? Would you gather your things and burn them all in a big pile to say you beat things to the punch? Stand in front of a mirror and feign to be mostly OK with who's staring back at you? Would you serve? Start checking off that imagined bucket list you never wrote down? When you're holding the ones you love, would you tell jokes, or replay memories that make you weep? Could you find solace in your family's conglomerate ascension into heavenly realms? What would you tell your kids, your spouse, your mother...? Would you charge your iphone, or check your facebook?

I would find reprieve, but not call it relief. I would gather all my things and review them; allow whatever emotion tied to each thing, note, picture well-up and give me one more good run. I would bypass the mirror to look out the window. Had I impressed my reflection sufficiently, it would appear in the world around me. I would help where, whom I could. Keep those around me comfortable with love and warmth. With two short days, only one item would be on my bucket list and it would be to soak up as much time with my loved-ones as I can. I would remind my children of Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ, and that we'll be seeing them soon. I would tell them they made me. I would tell my husband that my life before him was about as useful as a rose in the shade; I'm so much more In Bloom when he shines with me. I would tell my mother she's the rock in the river that stops the flow and commands the river to flow around it, and what that example held for me.

Here's to the next 48.

Saturday Morning Vinyl

It's Christmas time. It's an instinctual part of our generation to want to go out and buy things to demonstrate our affection and feel fulfilled somehow. These aren't bad things. Well, only if you don't have the means and wish it so. I've been struggling with this a little, and will most likely revisit the fight again, but right now listening to The Creek that Drank the Cradle by Iron & Wine on vinyl with my beautiful family is more than sufficient. My cup feels full.

I'm perplexed at how life can be such a struggle, but when you hear a lyric that says, "Mother, do you remember the blink of an eye when I breathed through your body?" you can be completely turned inside out and for a brief moment see things how they really are. Struggle or not, that's what's real. That's what's beautiful. Hardships do not eliminate the beauty of everything, or everyone. It enhances it. They coincide, and hopefully, collide often enough that we fail to categorize them. Beauty over here, Hard over there. Let them bleed together.

Sitting Next to Stahlin

Me: Oh, good evening Mr...Stahlin.
Stahlin: Shut up, I hate you.
Me: May I inquire as to why? I've just barely met you.
Stahlin: I hate the way you face sits on your head. I wish to remove it, and plant it on a canvas somewhere so a starving artist can make good use of it; or eat it.
Me: Glad to hear you support the Arts, but I didn't ask that you sit next to me.
Stahlin: No, perhaps not. How did you get this seat with that face?
Me: I guess even a bad face can have enough money. Do you hate all people because of their faces?
Stahlin: No. Just yours. And my mother's.
Me: I see. Do you like your-
Stahlin: If you continue to speak with me, I must insist on your demise.
Me: I don't believe you like your face either.

I then died.

This was roughly, and dramatically, my circumstances this morning driving back from Hooper. Perhaps not Stahlin, but had Stahlin and Freud made a love child, then him. Sitting next to that guy. That's all.

Forever in a Potato Sack

I like Neil Diamond. I'm not at all jaded at the irony of him composing a song inspired by his poverty and making millions off it; I'm not. Furthermore, I'm not going to discuss my non-jaded feelings about it. Mostly because I just did.

Colby and I were driving home from my family's house a few days ago, and Diamonds, "Forever in Blue Jeans" came on. We've been struggling financially since Reality combined with Freak Circumstances smacked the smiles right off our faces. I trust Colby, he trusts me, and we trust the Lord. Trust, unfortunately, does not directly generate funds. Colby was sitting next to me in the car reading some homework on the laptop, Hallie was on her "D-Pad", and I was listening to the zune on shuffle. I normally skip Neil Diamond songs because, typically, I'm not in a Diamond kind of mood. I think there's only one person who's perpetually in a Diamond mind set, and I call him Dad. I let the blue jean song play, and realized how right Neil is.
"Money talks, but it can't sing... or dance... and it don't walk."
Yes! Money runs its figurative mouth all day long, all night long, all of our lives long. Its always expanding and retracting, flourishing and failing, and will NOT shut up about it. It's what we hear everyday from our economy, our boss, our absence of a boss, our colleagues, our checking account, insurance, and grocery stores. But, this money is stationary. It's immovable in its power. It's appeal ends with what it can or cannot get you. It can't walk with you like your companion, your child, your friend. It won't sing with you-even in the good times-and it certainly won't dance the night away with you. So what am I going to do without it? I'm going to dance, sing, and walk through this life with the people I love. The rest is stupid and I'll take care of it as it arises. For now, I'm fine with living in a potato sack.

Pages Keep Turning

There's a reason we can't all see the future; specifically our future. If we could, we'd mess it up. How many of our plans remain the same throughout the years? How many of us stay the same to the degree of sedentary living? I used to think that if I could just get settled in one place, with one job, everything steady that I can move on and do crazy things. As long as I always had that home base to come back to. This settling doesn't exist. If it does, I'm realizing it doesn't exist for me. I have the dreamiest dreamer of a husband who see's the world in a much greater light than I do. He has a more realistic grasp on what it has to offer, and that doesn't coincide with finding one corner of the earth and sticking to it forever. Corner's are good. Safe. Predictable. But how does this facilitate "living" later? It doesn't. We get so satisfied in our settlements, and so proud, that we stay.

I say we as a generality (is that a word?), but I mean me. I interviewed for a great job today, with great people. It's a lot less of a work load than I'm used to which may be a blessing right now. Part-time, so I still have plenty of time with Hallie and Colby. I guess I'm saying thank you to Heavenly Father for seeing my future, and facilitating it for me because i'm too proud to do it myself. I truly am his daughter, and appreciate his paternal, unconditional love for me.

You're fired, and Congratulations.

I blame my feet, not my heart. My feet oughta know better than to follow the unsure rhythms of an organ. Then again, they're just an extremity; to perpetuate movement, thereby my culprit. Life has several outlets, several paths. I was traveling down one that was safe. Not easy, but safe in its structure. I received a paycheck every two weeks; not a meaty one, but one we could work with. I missed my daughter. I missed her everyday. Going back to work on Monday morning-every Monday morning-was an emotional chore. I felt my Motherhood being stripped from me; the only thing that had always only been mine directly from God. Another trail came along the safe path I had built-was proud of building-and my heart ached for it. After a month of stressfully leaving CMS, I decided to work for a networking company forwarding freight. I could be at home with my daughter and get as much out of my work as I put into it. It was gonna be great.

Two months in, 70 clients later, and i'm fired due to not stopping someone from saying I should start my own agency with the company, as I was receiving zero help from my lead. Conspiring, I was. Slandering, I was. I'm tremendously hurt from these accusations. Now, I have no job, can't go back to the kind people that gave me my start here in Utah County, and need to find a way to make a new path.

At first I was optimistic. Feelings of relief were euphoric, but short-lived. What have I done to my family? Why am I not writing about cute things Hallie did, or how wonderfully she's growing up? Who knows? I dug a hole, and know with the Lord's help I can be pulled out...but stuck here in the meantime. I'm immovable. I'm supposed to start all over again? Leave Hallie all over again? The whole time i'm thinking, "how unfair to her", but she's much stronger than I. I'm worried about myself; and I suppose that realization hurts worse.

So, I got fired, but also got a congratulations on the new baby. Who does that?

Whatever.

So, when something specific happens regularly as a result of something you're doing, or not doing, you begin to think it's you, right? You would like to think, for sanity purposes, that you can control some aspect of how people react to you. You can't. I held a mirror up to my stupid situation, and realized that No, It's NOT me. Before you doubt, know that I've been examining for weeks.... AND, there's no need to defend myself either. Whatever.

I don't need what I previously thought I might. My family is enough. I'm done with people showing interest in me until they get what they can, be it information, money, a sale, a fitness routine, then leave me high and dry. Wring me out, then throw me away. Who needs you, anyway?

Suck. It.

Hallieween!!!

Just a quick post to say Halloween was so fun this year. Me and my sister pretty much celebrated all month with food, pumpkins, scary movies, and haunted houses. How much fun it was! Hallie was a green fairy for Halloween. I really think it was a Tinkerbell costume, but she don't know no Tink.

Oh, every time someone gave her candy she screamed, "THAAAAANK YOU!!!!" to all of them ahahaha like she was livid. LOVE it.

Also...I can't find an upload picture tab....so no pics hahaha

Colby at the B

So there's this coagulation of students that meet every month to hear the sometimes resonant sounds of what is referred to as Acoustic EXPLOSION! I mean, for real. Students must submit a demo tape of their music and be selected among the mound of several other demo tapes. Colby was one of six selected for October.

Off we go to the Buy-You (BYU), and on the way we're jammin' to some Joshua Ritter to warm up. Mostly him as I am just goofing off, pretending to steal the show. We arrive. Colby parks heinously, but it's OK, because he flashes his BYU card and announces he's legit to be in the vicinity of other such individuals. To which they reply, "Uh...that 'card' doesn't give you license to park like an idiot". And Colby intredpidly retorts, "Fellow student, if I didn't park this way, who would?" The fellow student donned a fitting look of bewilderment upon his holy face, and left it alone.

Six minutes late, and we're booking it. The not-so-quiet sound of my most-likely inappropriate hills clicking across the floor, along with anything else I can hyphenate. Colby gets distracted by the building adjacent to our destination, and says, "Oh, man, what's THAT building??" I looked over. The building looked like the red curtains on Broadway that open and close to introduce, conclude scenese, but beige. The Beige Curtain. So I replied, "Oh, that's the Curtain Building." Accustomed, but not aged to my abstract remarks he laughed, "Babe, I love you."

That was sweet, wasn't it?

I walked into the church-like building and was bemused to find a Jamba Juice paralleled to what would normally be a chapel. Mmmm. The small, nearly run-down theatre was located next door to the juice stand. Dark, full, and fun. The current band on stage consisted of two boys singing and playing guitar, and one kid...playing a....conduit for percussion. I clearly don't know what it was. They played reallly well, but I was pretty bored. I'm allowed to be honest!

The following performers were each unique, but hit and miss. This girl, Natalie, played a classical acoustic and had a very clear, beautiful voice that she's finding wonderfully. Not there yet, but she's absolutely on her way. Another girl, Robin, I think was her name (if it wasn't Robin, it should be because she whistled a lot) was modern-day good. As long as she stayed in her range, it was "cute", and "zoe deschanel". She could get an album deal if she wanted.

A few others went by....then it was Colby's turn. He was super nervous. All dressed up in his button up, tucked in shirt with the collar folded neatly over his old-man vest with his favorite pair of jeans. Oh, and his Milwaukee Brewers hat. He left his glasses at home, which really let's us all see those adorable chocolate-chip colored eyes.

Up to the stage he went. If any of you know Colby, he talks when he's nervous. Unabashedly, sometimes. But not this time. He quietly tuned his guitar as he busted this joke, "blahblahblah...saw the hymn numbers on the chalkboard, and new I was at BYU for certain." The students didn't really laugh, so I tried to laugh louder than usual to compensate, while simultaneously giving the stink eye to everyone who could see. Not really, but now that I think about it....

He sang three songs. Opened with Josh Ritter's "Golden Age of Radio" (which is always a hit), "Sharing a Dance With the Rain", one of his own, and finished with his newest song, "Boulder Town". This last one was pretty special. He prefaced the song with the story that his family is from Boulder, UT; a town frequently glimpsed over, unknown, and gloriously unproduced. A few people came up to him after, and expressed their love for the song. One gentleman even had a few family members there as well, and easily identified with Colby.

I'm so proud of Colby. He's working so hard for all his dreams. BYU has been a kick in the butt, but he's doing anything he can, including waking up at 4 every morning just to get his homework done. He's been such a wonderful stay-at-home dad, and running Hallie to her appointments, making sure she eats, gets her naps, etc. By the time I come home, the house is a mess, my baby is sleeping, and Colby is doing homework greeting me with a smile and a kiss and I wouldn't change anything for the world. It's hard, and great. We found a quiet park next to our condo with a running track, so mommy can run, baby can play, and daddy reads. It's lovely. I'm so assured. Every day.

"I'm am assured, yes. I'm assured peace will come to me. A peace that can, yes, surpass the speed of my understanding, and my need."

The End. Man, I really fell off the embellishment wagon pretty early on this one. More fiction/non-fiction to come.

Love you all!

Today....

Today, my love is free.

Maddie at Work

I'm at work. How many different ways can I say it? And when I'm at work, I wear no shoes. My feet get hot. Who can blame me?

When I'm at work, I listen to "Young Folks" by Peter Bjorn. This, I believe, is a fake name. Alias' are one of the things that make the world go 'round, twice. Let's live 2 lives. But, some would argue, this minimizes the expanse of living just one life. My response is, "Does it?"

When I'm at work, things are bombastic. Especially when I'm not there at all. In fact, things aren't bombastic at all, and the only level of bombastity that I experience is at home watching an artist performing on Vicar Street in Ireland. Bombastic.

If I told you my alias, I couldn't hide behind it, could I? N. Silver. What do I have to hide? "I'm an open book".

New Place Non-Blues

Colby, Hallie, and I have recently moved to Pleasant Grove from Provo. It's been wonderful! The drive is nice, and the same amount of time as in-city driving commuting. Pleasant Grove reminds me of home with the vast spaces, and room to breathe. I love knowing I can go for a run, or on a bike ride with my girl and not have to stop every five feet for a stop light. Everything is still so close, and I just finally feel at home.
Hallie is having a harder time adjusting. She's a bit older now, and got upset when we moved her bed. She kept crying, "sleepy! sleepy! mama, no!" It broke our heart at the time, but when we put it in her new room she smiled the sweetest smile. She stil won't fall asleep in her room alone yet, but it's only been a week. Last night, the night light was turned just so, and she kept seeing our shadows on the wall. She was terrified, and kept screaming, "Mommy, ghost! Scary!" My first thought, was where the flip did she learn the word ghost and scary. Then I remembered who my mother is, and it clicked. She LOVES the several parks at the condo's, and we're excited to try the pool before it gets too cold.
I'll write more later, but I just wanted to let ya'll know that our little family finally has a home.

The Road Traveled All Too Well

Allow me, please, to be amiguous without consequences.

We all walk our own roads, that's apparent. We all attach ourselves to various, yet specific things. Some people will choose yellow, and other a deep shade of red. My road is the latter hue. It is beautiful in everything it is and lacks; runs deep and travels like a river. Encompassed, not bombarded, with substance: foliage, deep-rooted tree's-whether naturally, or self-induced, it is the same-libraries, several outlets not required to be taken, bridges, and bubbles. What I love best, is the course in undeviating, unrelenting toward something not very red at all.

Why, and how this is interesting to you, I don't know. Stop reading if it is. It won't stop.

What happens when an amazing, vibrant shade of Blue decides to run parallel....?

In the words of...

Gavin Rossdale, " I just wanna be myself." How wonderful it is to glimpse who you are. Several locations, arbitrary instances, and it can still happen.

There are so many people. SO many people, and I know we all need each other, and exist off one another's innovations, enthusiasm, and realism....but sometimes, while reveling in solitary moments in a random location, I just wanna be me.
 We all need all of us, yes, but what about the individual! I've realized i'm a separate being. We are, by nature, creatures of companionship, and there has been no greater God-given gift than to hold someone's hand in life that I fully trust and love. Then there's me... Strip it all away, tear the world down, and you have you. We're surrounded by people who edify, love, and help us, but can those people purchase your personality? Can they qualify you for any amount of character? Carry you to salvation? In the end, beginning, and throughout...it's you. It's great to be able to be friends with yourself. To like yourself. I have a hard time with this, as i'm insanely critical of my appearance, performance, results, like most of us. And how narcisstic does this idea sound? I wish so badly that I could transfer my feelings once again, and not for narcisstic reasons, but because I want to share with you. I've expressed this yearning before, I'm sure.

The most amazing thing happened the other night in accordance with my previous statement. I was reading Dandelion Wine by Ray Bradbury and he said, "And isn't that what it's all about? To reach around and up through somebody's head, look through his eyes, see that damned-fool miracle, and say, 'Oh...so that's how you see it? I should remember that." I was astounded! I woke Colby up next to me to tell him that Bradbury had the same "love thought" as me! That if you want to know, love, share, gain insight to or for someone, jump behind their eyes. Literally. How do you perceive the contours of the valley? Just like taste buds literally taste things significantly differently from one person to the next, so does perceptions in images all around us! I juv it.

And, even now, as these words lay stringently upon the page before you, floating slowly to your consciousness, they won't register. They can't register. Not until this is something you've discovered in your own flipping way, in a random occurrence, with maybe nobody you know at all. All of us, certainly, need all of us. I wouldn't change that for a million epiphanies. But, realizing I am an individual and can soley function if I need to, helps me to more fully support those around me. If that adds up.

The opposite is true, as well. As in all things. It's hard to be your own friend because it's easier to come down on yourself; this makes sense because we're always "becoming", and to "become" we need to reflect and analyze. Instead of positively ingesting this information of errors, I know that I, personally, feel like someone just dinged my credit score. Perhaps a character flaw, or maybe instinctual. We all feel somewhat inclined to please those around us. Art Alexocas shares this opinion on self-criticism when he says, "I'm just plain sick again...tired of the sound of my own voice." Rightly, I get annoyed with what's pouring out of my mouth sometimes. It's like I've been talking so much that it turns into a message on an answering machine which nobody really invests time in. It's all an adequate depiction of a balance between what we want, who we want to be, and what's actually reflected in our morning mirrors. We can't become ourselves, or reach a point where we actually want to hang out with ourselves, without a bunch of crap to overcome. I remember all this with a simple slogan: Crap preceeds Good Stuff. Author Ray Bradbury complies with this statement, "If your boy is a poet, manure will be wild flowers to him. It is, after all, what manure is all about anyway." Crap-most literally in this sense-preceeds something beautiful.

Truth is, if we were ok with ourselves all the time, we would never become our own best friends, which again is not self-involved, but almost necessary to survive both emotionally and physically. We're faced with so many fires, and if we can't be strong in who we are, we'll burn. It's simple.

Be yourself. Find glimpses of who you are, and embrace those moments. Allow it to expand your compassion for those around you who may not know who they are and are struggling with any assortment of conflicts: religion, spirituality, marriage, school, divorce, health issues.... When we secure ourselves, we secure others. Much like the Savoir felt all the pains, so he could bear ours.

This isn't meant to be a lonely gesture, it's just an observation. A most welcomed observation. Detach yourself. Feel who you are for a few minutes. It may come with music, or cooking, or finding a short cut. Companioship is priority and preferable, but, when I glimpse the solitary me...I love it, too. Not as much. But we gotta love it a little, man. Enough to reach some level of self-actualization.

It's not easy. Nothing is. Well, standing still isn't so hard.  

Last thought: "Bees do have a smell, you know. If they don't, they should, for their feet are dusted with the scent of a thousand flowers." Ray Bradbury.

Man, and all this to rock n' roll at 8 a.m. Nice. Gonna be a good one!

For just one day?

If we could do anything, anywhere for a day..... Hmmm.... Ok, I got it. It may take a few more 24-hour installments. Ok, we road trip to Maine firstly. Rent a killer boat about the size of a small room and pack a heavy amount of goodies in all the secret crevices. I'm talkin serious amounts of chocolate donuts, soda, candy, and french fries. Next, we'll head to some quaint, cliche fishing store which we both fall in love with immediately. Mostly because the guy behind the counter has no idea he runs a fishing store, and wears a bright orange hat that aptly reads, "Gone Fishin'". You peruse the store and acquire all the correct equipment for deep-sea fishing. I aimlessly pick up random things that I think will enhance our adventure which include, but are not limited to: 3 ring-pops, a Jim Croce album, thimbles-because they're fun to say-, and purple energy drinks. We approach the innoculate cashier/owner/cool-guy, he runs through the monetary motions, and finally says, "You be sure to wear a raincoat." To which we reply, "We would love to not forget to wear our raincoats, but there's no rain, and no raincoats available." He gets confused and ignores us in every way possible. I leave a tip.

We're off the coast, choppy waves, catching swordfish. We can't stop throwing up from all the commotion and formerly ingested sugar. I quickly realize I don't know how to fish, and you're on your own. I'm laughing at you hysterically because you're doubled-over in stomach pains but still able to catch fish. The image is astounding and by all accounts impossible, but you're determined and know you'll want to eat fish later. I'm sad because I didn't get to say, "We're gonna need a bigger boat!" and we head back to shore hahaha with one small fish that we named "swordfish". hahaha yiiiiiikes!

It starts to rain.

We regret not taking store-guy seriously.

He was right.

He was also extremely high.

Instead of wasting a good rain, we take the opposite approach and take off all unnecessary clothing and begin to dance. it's freezing, and Swordfish is fidgeting with each rain drop trying to survive. The sun comes out, threatening the rain and the rain says, "Let's hang out for a bit." The sun complies and apologizes for trying to dominate the sky. Consequently, two rainbows appear. We decide to investigate the source of said rainbows, and catch any of your leprachaun buddies in the process of planting fake gold, but find nothing except a unicorn that reprimands us for finding it and tells us to get out of there. We start to poke it in hopes that it will ooze magic, but it just gets pissed and runs away cursing at us in the process.

We decide to take a more mild approach and dive for lobsters instead. We capture a bunch, but Swordfish gets jealous so we leave them all where we found them.

We're starving, half-naked, and freezing. We hit up a steak house down the street, and they kick us out for our immodest clothing. We asked for a raincoat, but they didn't want to give us any if they had them. I run to the kitchen and grab as much food as I can while you create the diversion of a mad man who can't find his intelligence. You see me rounding the corner and finish the gesture with dunking Swordfish in the pitcher of a water at a table compiled of men in suits with signs that read, "we can probably send you to court, and the Clam Chowder is delicious." We meet up, quickly divvy our provisions for an agile escape, and book it.

We hear sirens.

It stops raining, we find our clothes, get in our car and drive out of town like nothing at all happened. We see the cops, stop them, and tell them we heard a bunch of commotion at the local steak house and are put-off by the disturbances. They apologize and encourage us to visit again. We set fire to the Welcome to Maine sign and hit the open road. You drive first because I call "not it." As you drive, I read aloud from John Updike's "Rabbit Run", and we listen to the Velvet Underground, Silver Jews, and Jim Morrison. Swordfish loves the tumult of the road, and smiles.