Pages Keep Turning

There's a reason we can't all see the future; specifically our future. If we could, we'd mess it up. How many of our plans remain the same throughout the years? How many of us stay the same to the degree of sedentary living? I used to think that if I could just get settled in one place, with one job, everything steady that I can move on and do crazy things. As long as I always had that home base to come back to. This settling doesn't exist. If it does, I'm realizing it doesn't exist for me. I have the dreamiest dreamer of a husband who see's the world in a much greater light than I do. He has a more realistic grasp on what it has to offer, and that doesn't coincide with finding one corner of the earth and sticking to it forever. Corner's are good. Safe. Predictable. But how does this facilitate "living" later? It doesn't. We get so satisfied in our settlements, and so proud, that we stay.

I say we as a generality (is that a word?), but I mean me. I interviewed for a great job today, with great people. It's a lot less of a work load than I'm used to which may be a blessing right now. Part-time, so I still have plenty of time with Hallie and Colby. I guess I'm saying thank you to Heavenly Father for seeing my future, and facilitating it for me because i'm too proud to do it myself. I truly am his daughter, and appreciate his paternal, unconditional love for me.

You're fired, and Congratulations.

I blame my feet, not my heart. My feet oughta know better than to follow the unsure rhythms of an organ. Then again, they're just an extremity; to perpetuate movement, thereby my culprit. Life has several outlets, several paths. I was traveling down one that was safe. Not easy, but safe in its structure. I received a paycheck every two weeks; not a meaty one, but one we could work with. I missed my daughter. I missed her everyday. Going back to work on Monday morning-every Monday morning-was an emotional chore. I felt my Motherhood being stripped from me; the only thing that had always only been mine directly from God. Another trail came along the safe path I had built-was proud of building-and my heart ached for it. After a month of stressfully leaving CMS, I decided to work for a networking company forwarding freight. I could be at home with my daughter and get as much out of my work as I put into it. It was gonna be great.

Two months in, 70 clients later, and i'm fired due to not stopping someone from saying I should start my own agency with the company, as I was receiving zero help from my lead. Conspiring, I was. Slandering, I was. I'm tremendously hurt from these accusations. Now, I have no job, can't go back to the kind people that gave me my start here in Utah County, and need to find a way to make a new path.

At first I was optimistic. Feelings of relief were euphoric, but short-lived. What have I done to my family? Why am I not writing about cute things Hallie did, or how wonderfully she's growing up? Who knows? I dug a hole, and know with the Lord's help I can be pulled out...but stuck here in the meantime. I'm immovable. I'm supposed to start all over again? Leave Hallie all over again? The whole time i'm thinking, "how unfair to her", but she's much stronger than I. I'm worried about myself; and I suppose that realization hurts worse.

So, I got fired, but also got a congratulations on the new baby. Who does that?