I blame my feet, not my heart. My feet oughta know better than to follow the unsure rhythms of an organ. Then again, they're just an extremity; to perpetuate movement, thereby my culprit. Life has several outlets, several paths. I was traveling down one that was safe. Not easy, but safe in its structure. I received a paycheck every two weeks; not a meaty one, but one we could work with. I missed my daughter. I missed her everyday. Going back to work on Monday morning-every Monday morning-was an emotional chore. I felt my Motherhood being stripped from me; the only thing that had always only been mine directly from God. Another trail came along the safe path I had built-was proud of building-and my heart ached for it. After a month of stressfully leaving CMS, I decided to work for a networking company forwarding freight. I could be at home with my daughter and get as much out of my work as I put into it. It was gonna be great.
Two months in, 70 clients later, and i'm fired due to not stopping someone from saying I should start my own agency with the company, as I was receiving zero help from my lead. Conspiring, I was. Slandering, I was. I'm tremendously hurt from these accusations. Now, I have no job, can't go back to the kind people that gave me my start here in Utah County, and need to find a way to make a new path.
At first I was optimistic. Feelings of relief were euphoric, but short-lived. What have I done to my family? Why am I not writing about cute things Hallie did, or how wonderfully she's growing up? Who knows? I dug a hole, and know with the Lord's help I can be pulled out...but stuck here in the meantime. I'm immovable. I'm supposed to start all over again? Leave Hallie all over again? The whole time i'm thinking, "how unfair to her", but she's much stronger than I. I'm worried about myself; and I suppose that realization hurts worse.
So, I got fired, but also got a congratulations on the new baby. Who does that?
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