Forever in a Potato Sack

I like Neil Diamond. I'm not at all jaded at the irony of him composing a song inspired by his poverty and making millions off it; I'm not. Furthermore, I'm not going to discuss my non-jaded feelings about it. Mostly because I just did.

Colby and I were driving home from my family's house a few days ago, and Diamonds, "Forever in Blue Jeans" came on. We've been struggling financially since Reality combined with Freak Circumstances smacked the smiles right off our faces. I trust Colby, he trusts me, and we trust the Lord. Trust, unfortunately, does not directly generate funds. Colby was sitting next to me in the car reading some homework on the laptop, Hallie was on her "D-Pad", and I was listening to the zune on shuffle. I normally skip Neil Diamond songs because, typically, I'm not in a Diamond kind of mood. I think there's only one person who's perpetually in a Diamond mind set, and I call him Dad. I let the blue jean song play, and realized how right Neil is.
"Money talks, but it can't sing... or dance... and it don't walk."
Yes! Money runs its figurative mouth all day long, all night long, all of our lives long. Its always expanding and retracting, flourishing and failing, and will NOT shut up about it. It's what we hear everyday from our economy, our boss, our absence of a boss, our colleagues, our checking account, insurance, and grocery stores. But, this money is stationary. It's immovable in its power. It's appeal ends with what it can or cannot get you. It can't walk with you like your companion, your child, your friend. It won't sing with you-even in the good times-and it certainly won't dance the night away with you. So what am I going to do without it? I'm going to dance, sing, and walk through this life with the people I love. The rest is stupid and I'll take care of it as it arises. For now, I'm fine with living in a potato sack.

Pages Keep Turning

There's a reason we can't all see the future; specifically our future. If we could, we'd mess it up. How many of our plans remain the same throughout the years? How many of us stay the same to the degree of sedentary living? I used to think that if I could just get settled in one place, with one job, everything steady that I can move on and do crazy things. As long as I always had that home base to come back to. This settling doesn't exist. If it does, I'm realizing it doesn't exist for me. I have the dreamiest dreamer of a husband who see's the world in a much greater light than I do. He has a more realistic grasp on what it has to offer, and that doesn't coincide with finding one corner of the earth and sticking to it forever. Corner's are good. Safe. Predictable. But how does this facilitate "living" later? It doesn't. We get so satisfied in our settlements, and so proud, that we stay.

I say we as a generality (is that a word?), but I mean me. I interviewed for a great job today, with great people. It's a lot less of a work load than I'm used to which may be a blessing right now. Part-time, so I still have plenty of time with Hallie and Colby. I guess I'm saying thank you to Heavenly Father for seeing my future, and facilitating it for me because i'm too proud to do it myself. I truly am his daughter, and appreciate his paternal, unconditional love for me.

You're fired, and Congratulations.

I blame my feet, not my heart. My feet oughta know better than to follow the unsure rhythms of an organ. Then again, they're just an extremity; to perpetuate movement, thereby my culprit. Life has several outlets, several paths. I was traveling down one that was safe. Not easy, but safe in its structure. I received a paycheck every two weeks; not a meaty one, but one we could work with. I missed my daughter. I missed her everyday. Going back to work on Monday morning-every Monday morning-was an emotional chore. I felt my Motherhood being stripped from me; the only thing that had always only been mine directly from God. Another trail came along the safe path I had built-was proud of building-and my heart ached for it. After a month of stressfully leaving CMS, I decided to work for a networking company forwarding freight. I could be at home with my daughter and get as much out of my work as I put into it. It was gonna be great.

Two months in, 70 clients later, and i'm fired due to not stopping someone from saying I should start my own agency with the company, as I was receiving zero help from my lead. Conspiring, I was. Slandering, I was. I'm tremendously hurt from these accusations. Now, I have no job, can't go back to the kind people that gave me my start here in Utah County, and need to find a way to make a new path.

At first I was optimistic. Feelings of relief were euphoric, but short-lived. What have I done to my family? Why am I not writing about cute things Hallie did, or how wonderfully she's growing up? Who knows? I dug a hole, and know with the Lord's help I can be pulled out...but stuck here in the meantime. I'm immovable. I'm supposed to start all over again? Leave Hallie all over again? The whole time i'm thinking, "how unfair to her", but she's much stronger than I. I'm worried about myself; and I suppose that realization hurts worse.

So, I got fired, but also got a congratulations on the new baby. Who does that?

Whatever.

So, when something specific happens regularly as a result of something you're doing, or not doing, you begin to think it's you, right? You would like to think, for sanity purposes, that you can control some aspect of how people react to you. You can't. I held a mirror up to my stupid situation, and realized that No, It's NOT me. Before you doubt, know that I've been examining for weeks.... AND, there's no need to defend myself either. Whatever.

I don't need what I previously thought I might. My family is enough. I'm done with people showing interest in me until they get what they can, be it information, money, a sale, a fitness routine, then leave me high and dry. Wring me out, then throw me away. Who needs you, anyway?

Suck. It.

Hallieween!!!

Just a quick post to say Halloween was so fun this year. Me and my sister pretty much celebrated all month with food, pumpkins, scary movies, and haunted houses. How much fun it was! Hallie was a green fairy for Halloween. I really think it was a Tinkerbell costume, but she don't know no Tink.

Oh, every time someone gave her candy she screamed, "THAAAAANK YOU!!!!" to all of them ahahaha like she was livid. LOVE it.

Also...I can't find an upload picture tab....so no pics hahaha

Colby at the B

So there's this coagulation of students that meet every month to hear the sometimes resonant sounds of what is referred to as Acoustic EXPLOSION! I mean, for real. Students must submit a demo tape of their music and be selected among the mound of several other demo tapes. Colby was one of six selected for October.

Off we go to the Buy-You (BYU), and on the way we're jammin' to some Joshua Ritter to warm up. Mostly him as I am just goofing off, pretending to steal the show. We arrive. Colby parks heinously, but it's OK, because he flashes his BYU card and announces he's legit to be in the vicinity of other such individuals. To which they reply, "Uh...that 'card' doesn't give you license to park like an idiot". And Colby intredpidly retorts, "Fellow student, if I didn't park this way, who would?" The fellow student donned a fitting look of bewilderment upon his holy face, and left it alone.

Six minutes late, and we're booking it. The not-so-quiet sound of my most-likely inappropriate hills clicking across the floor, along with anything else I can hyphenate. Colby gets distracted by the building adjacent to our destination, and says, "Oh, man, what's THAT building??" I looked over. The building looked like the red curtains on Broadway that open and close to introduce, conclude scenese, but beige. The Beige Curtain. So I replied, "Oh, that's the Curtain Building." Accustomed, but not aged to my abstract remarks he laughed, "Babe, I love you."

That was sweet, wasn't it?

I walked into the church-like building and was bemused to find a Jamba Juice paralleled to what would normally be a chapel. Mmmm. The small, nearly run-down theatre was located next door to the juice stand. Dark, full, and fun. The current band on stage consisted of two boys singing and playing guitar, and one kid...playing a....conduit for percussion. I clearly don't know what it was. They played reallly well, but I was pretty bored. I'm allowed to be honest!

The following performers were each unique, but hit and miss. This girl, Natalie, played a classical acoustic and had a very clear, beautiful voice that she's finding wonderfully. Not there yet, but she's absolutely on her way. Another girl, Robin, I think was her name (if it wasn't Robin, it should be because she whistled a lot) was modern-day good. As long as she stayed in her range, it was "cute", and "zoe deschanel". She could get an album deal if she wanted.

A few others went by....then it was Colby's turn. He was super nervous. All dressed up in his button up, tucked in shirt with the collar folded neatly over his old-man vest with his favorite pair of jeans. Oh, and his Milwaukee Brewers hat. He left his glasses at home, which really let's us all see those adorable chocolate-chip colored eyes.

Up to the stage he went. If any of you know Colby, he talks when he's nervous. Unabashedly, sometimes. But not this time. He quietly tuned his guitar as he busted this joke, "blahblahblah...saw the hymn numbers on the chalkboard, and new I was at BYU for certain." The students didn't really laugh, so I tried to laugh louder than usual to compensate, while simultaneously giving the stink eye to everyone who could see. Not really, but now that I think about it....

He sang three songs. Opened with Josh Ritter's "Golden Age of Radio" (which is always a hit), "Sharing a Dance With the Rain", one of his own, and finished with his newest song, "Boulder Town". This last one was pretty special. He prefaced the song with the story that his family is from Boulder, UT; a town frequently glimpsed over, unknown, and gloriously unproduced. A few people came up to him after, and expressed their love for the song. One gentleman even had a few family members there as well, and easily identified with Colby.

I'm so proud of Colby. He's working so hard for all his dreams. BYU has been a kick in the butt, but he's doing anything he can, including waking up at 4 every morning just to get his homework done. He's been such a wonderful stay-at-home dad, and running Hallie to her appointments, making sure she eats, gets her naps, etc. By the time I come home, the house is a mess, my baby is sleeping, and Colby is doing homework greeting me with a smile and a kiss and I wouldn't change anything for the world. It's hard, and great. We found a quiet park next to our condo with a running track, so mommy can run, baby can play, and daddy reads. It's lovely. I'm so assured. Every day.

"I'm am assured, yes. I'm assured peace will come to me. A peace that can, yes, surpass the speed of my understanding, and my need."

The End. Man, I really fell off the embellishment wagon pretty early on this one. More fiction/non-fiction to come.

Love you all!

Today....

Today, my love is free.