I mean, what?

I came to work this morning to a slew of emails that were in response to my apparent emails to them. I didn't email ANYBODY in the office yesterday. Years later, I discovered the KKK in the next cubicle had gotten onto my computer and sent out prank emails and phone calls to various peeps. Out of retaliation, the following is my response to her (KKK=kaitlynn.)

Kaitlynn,

You sent that as a joke, but I mean it from my heart. My cold, dark heart. Also, I forgot my wedding ring in my gym stupid bag and now I’m sad. Also, there’s a bad accident on university parkway, so be careful. Also, I made oatmeal chocolate chip cookies last night and had three and forgot to bring the rest to work where I would probably eat three more but it’s ok because I’m as sore as a building. A building! Also, I had a wonderful sleep filled with dreams of Colby diggin’ this other chick. Also, he told me last night that he wants to live in the middle east for two years. I told him, “Hey, I’d like to live with unicorns on magic flowers for two years but I just don’t think it’s gonna happen”. Then, I realized that I really want a caffeine free coke because the taste is so good. Uh-oh, just got tired. Better make that a caffeinated coke. With some of your straw berries. Maybe I just want that  for two years. And to bake in a large kitchen with easy clean-up. When we gonna chill with Jayci again? That was kickin’. Also…. What else….

I’m trying to make you regret prank emailing and calling from my desk.

Is it working?

Let’s ditch work, go running, go tanning, get a smoothie from jamba, and talk about the better times hahaha

Better yet, we’ll invent a time machine. A CMS time machine, and travel back to 1993, buy a crappy convertible and drive to Seattle. We’ll arrive with windswept hair, empty boxes of chocolate dunford donuts, three cans of soda, silly string, easy cheese (no crackers), real I.D.’s (wait, I’ll be seven and you’ll be five. Does the time machine keep us the same age???) Then we’ll hit the local pizza joint, which is to die for, make fun of the hobo’s on EVERY CORNER, visit the farmer’s market and make a delicious dinner at a friend’s house. We will make friends at the pizza place, and the market. A good combination of stoners, and hippie’s. Then we’ll tour the city, and meet a guy named Jimmy Hendricks who is 6 feet tall and pale. We’ll tell him how ironic it is that he’s standing outside the largest museum of rock n’ roll music in the world. He’ll backhand us. We’ll apologize like good little biyatches and respect him enough to excuse ourselves.

After that, since Canada is so close, we will toilet paper them. Toilet paper Canada. It sounds like a lot of TP, but I think only 6 people actually live there, so it’ll be a direct hit n’ run.

After that, we’ll discuss all our qualms and iron them out. Such as, at this point I’m sick of the fact that you refuse to shower and keep farting in the car and not rolling down the window. I’m fed up with it because you think it’s so funny. Hysterical. I don’t appreciate you going to as many Maverick’s as you can just to get the loaded nachos because you know they give you hellacious gas. It’s not funny! And you can tell me that all my self-loathing is getting old and to shut my trap before you shut it for me. Which you would probably be able to do by forcing me to evacuate a 20 mile radius of your incessant, smelly methane release.

After that, we’ll meet Elton John at an outside mall and ask if he wants to eat a cinnamon roll with us in the food court. To which he will presumably reply that he prefers a cinnaMAN, not a cinnamon roll. Oh snap! Then Sean Connery comes out of the bathroom and backhands Elton for being such a homo. I’m filming it all on my phone, we post it on youtube and make millions.

We then travel back to today, buy real cars, real houses (in California on the beach), buy pretentious dogs and I’ll make food the rest of my life and entertain creatively while you….um….counsel all the criminals at the county jail on how Jesus wants them to be sunbeams, not sundowners (a motorcycle club, and the only reason I know that is because my father n’ law left his wife and newly adopted daughter to join them….aww….now you made me sad, but it’s ok because we still have the time machine. We can go back when we’re sad. The opposite of the movie “Click” with adam stupid sandler).

Man, when the flip are you gonna get here! I’m running out of strength to pursue all this frivolity.

Peace.

I thought it would get on her nerves, but she just laughed outrageously long.

Word.